From Bad to Worse?

Things are bad here. Very bad.
I was going to "flunk" (read - gentlewoman's 'C') my advanced research class, so I dropped it.

I'm still home - unpaid - from my accident.

I have an appointment with my PS to talk about a scar revision for my belly. I have adhesions under the vertical scar because he did such a crappy job, and it hurts/pulls when I move.

Haven't exercised since before the 1/24 car accident. Have gained 7 pounds. Back to 180 again. It makes me cry to type that.

The family situation is horrid. I don't think Jack is ever going to be able to have a steady, loving relationship with my boys, and I positively cannot stand his daughter most days. It hasn't always been this way. But it is seriously time for her to graduate college and get the hell out on her own. She's almost 22 and acts it about 10% of the time. The rest of the time she acts like a irresponsible child with a filthy mouth. Nice combo, let me tell ya.

Example: over the weekend she borrowed R.J.'s car. She brought it back reeking of smoke, and with a nearly-empty tank. R.J. is allergic to cigarette smoke; it gives him migraines. So he can't even drive or ride in his own car. AND it has leather interior, so you know damned well someone was actually smoking in there; it wasn't just the amount of smokiness you get from "bar clothes." That wouldn't sink into leather that fast. I am so pissed.

I am pissed at life. I am teary, fat, in pain, and fear that my marriage and family are about to fall apart completely. I have no RL friends and I can't talk to my Mom about anything important, so I'm all alone.

I'm so tired of thinking that stability and happiness are just around the corner. There is no fucking corner. Just a cruel twist or turn here and there to make me think there's hope.

There isn't. Time I faced that.

Comments

[Ezpy]

I'm so sorry. It must be hard to keep hoping for good things and keep having bad stuff happening. I remember a time like that 2 years ago when it seemed like life kept getting darker and darker.

The tide did finally turn, though we're still digging ourselves out of the hole we fell in at the time.

My only advice about your stepdaughter is to just ignore what goes on between her father and her. I know it's hard, but if he's going to let himself be taken advantage of by her, well, there's nothing you can say or do that will make it any better and you'll just end up feeling like he's siding with her over you. Ick.

I wish you good things. And wish I could somehow help too.

[melody6499]

Ezpy,

You DO help me - a lot.

I respect you and value your opinion, so your comments mean the world to me.

I appreciate your support more than you know...

[sparkly_jules]

Hi,

I've been reading your blog for a while but never left a comment. I find myself wanting to nurture you and give advice re: the kid situation. But honestly, the best thing I can say to you is this: what is best for you and your children? In your heart of hearts, you probably know the answer, whatever that is.

I do understand being in the "darkness." I affiliate it with a choking sensation so I call depression "the monster." Of being at the bottom of a hole with sides so high you can't see the light. Just remember that the light is there, even if you can't see it. It will pass, maybe not as fast as you hope, but once it does, you'll start to forget what it was like being down there--sort of like having a baby (I hear tell ;-)

Baby steps, dear. One hour, one minute at a time. You can do it.

Hugs,

Jules

[sparkly_jules]

And one more thing: Give the bill to the step-daughter for the car-smoke-cleaning. She's well-past old enough to take responsibility for her actions.

J.

[melody6499]

Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate the support; especially from someone who understands depression.

I was going to have her take R.J.'s car in for detailing so that she not only had to pay for it, but had to waste half a day sitting there waiting for it.

Fortunately, or not, a week of activated charcoal stuck in the console has eliminated the smell.

I don't feel right asking her to detail the car for normal winter slop-wear-and-tear, so I'm going to let this one go. But her father and I are going to sit down with her and, once again, discuss the responsibilities that go along with the privileges of being an adult, and that she needs to choose a side of the teenager/adult fence and stay there - at least the majority of the time!

Thanks again, Jules.