The Bipolar Express

Crazy-med Update

I spoke with my shrink on Monday. I asked her about the Seroquel and the weight gain. She said that it is possible that that's behind the weight gain, but that the level that I take doesn't normally have that effect.

She reduced my Zoloft and added Wellbutrin. I'm also taking Lamictal - a bipolar med - and she may add a "touch of Lithium" to boost the effects of the Lamictal. She doesn't want to change the Seroquel yet because it's not only a mood stabilizer, but also a sleep aid. She said: "I don't think adding sleep deprivation to your life right now is the way to go." :-) Understatement?

She's a cool person, and I'm lucky to have her.

I'll keep you posted...

As the Stomach Turns...

Jack went to our therapist Monday night. The first thing he asked Jack was "what are your options." As Jack mulled that over for a minute, Mark said: "that was a trick question - you have no options, she does."

Then Mark asked the $64,000 question: "are you prepared for the reality of a baby in your house?" Jack dejectedly replied "No. There's no way." I was so relieved, because as the evil stepmother, I couldn't make that decision.

It will be the second hardest thing he's ever done - surpassed only by telling her - at 10 years of age - that her mother had died.

She has options. Mark helped us make a list to give to her about what course of action would be best for her to follow based on her choice of options. Jack passed the list on to her last night and it was not received well.

Get this: the thing she balked most about was having to sell the 79 Firebird she inherited from her aunt. It costs 110 a month to sit in a storage facility and be insured. She drives it fewer than 10 times per year. Plus if she ends up having to go on Medicaid - a distinct possibility - she can't have a 15k classic car sitting in storage!

She has no clue. Her father is walking dead, and the boys and I are tiptoeing around.

I am grateful that Jack and I are in agreement about the living situation, but I honestly don't know if he will ever be the same after this.

The plan is to help her set up housekeeping in May after graduation, just like almost every parent does, and then leave it alone. For a man who's entire career and personality are geared toward "how can I fix this?" this is absolutely killing him.

John went to therapy again on Thurs. Twice in a week. Brother.

Mark is so very bluntly eloquent. He said "she's handing you a steaming pile of shit. You cannot take it from her and make it your own."

Bottom line - even if we wanted to be surrogate parents, we just ain't got the energy! Jack's 52 and I'm 42. We have three kids at home - a sophmore and two 6th-graders - with whom we have precious few years left at home, and who need parents who aren't walking zombies. We ALL deserve better than that.

Still Pregnant, but...

Things are getting a bit better, then worse. The entire issue is inspiring the absolute worst of my bipolar disorder. Last night I was ok, even optimistic. Today, I'm a mess again.

I cannot fucking believe how fucking irresponsible this fucking brilliant girl is.

Don't flame me for this, it IS my blog. The best thing that could happen to this "baby" that's biologically a zygote - not even an embryo, is for Leigh to come to her senses and get a D&C ASAP. Failing that, adoption would be a wonderful, selfless thing to do, which of course means that's exactly what she won't do.

She is selfish, self-absorbed, thinks she's queen-shit, and at the same time has the lowest self-esteem I've ever seen.

We did a sample budget for her last night, and she's going to be between 600 and 1300 in the hole every month. (thank God Jack decided that it is indeed best for all of us if she gets an apartment.)

I am (nearly) speechless. And absofuckinlutely emotionally and physically exhausted.

My Stepdaughter is Pregnant

She's 21, totally irresponsibile,a complete user of people and is absopositivelutely going to "keep my baby."

Never mind that there are thousands of couples who would give a limb or major organ to be able to adopt a healthy baby.

Never mind that her last big decision was to take herself off the pill because "taking it every day when I wasn't having sex was just too depressing."

Never mind that three years ago she transferred from a state university to a fourth-rate state college and will thus be graduating college in May with a degree not worth the ink it's printed with, 3-4 months pregnant with no job and no health insurance. (She was supposed to be continuing coverage with her father's insurance next fall because she was going to be a full-time law student.)

Instead, she's going to be a full-time drain on our family's resources; emotional, mental, and fiscal.

Jack insists that she will stay here and raise the baby if she wants to. (In her bedroom in the basement!) Guess who will end up taking care of baby? You damned well know it - Me!

I'll be 43 years old, and had planned to be starting a new chapter of my own - careerwise. Instead I'll have to stay at my mind-numbing job because I will literally have to have a job that I can do in my sleep.

Yesterday I completely lost it. Jack had been treating her with kid gloves because he didn't want her to feel "overwhelmed." (WTF???) I was livid. I said (screamed) all kinds of "overwhelming" things to her about the realities of being pregnant, let alone of raising a child. I could go on for paragraphs about my ludicrous performance, but suffice it to say that it was a real Springer moment.

Today I took her dog to the vet. The bill was $75, he has to eat more expensive food now, and have two medications daily for the forseeable future. And That's A Dog!!! She doesn't walk him, brush him, pay for his feeding or vet care... what in the Holy Name of God is she going to do with a real baby???

I'm going to my shrink now. I'm a bit concerned that I was crying so hysterically yesterday that it took me two hours to stop

Holy Size 16's, Batman!

At my visit a month ago, my psychiatrist changed one of my scripts from 100 mg/day to 300 mg per day. Since then, I've noticed a pleasant decrease in my symptoms. But - big but, or gut, in my case - she missed something this time.

Seroquel, an antipsychotic used to treat biplolar disorder as well as schizophrenia, has a couple of interesting side-effects. First of all, it can cause an increase in blood sugar as well as diabetes. It can also cause weight gain. It's not supposed to be prescribed to people with a history of obesity or a family history of diabetes.

Gee, ya think???

I've gained 7 pounds in the month since the dosage increase. I crave carbs like a madwoman, I'm eating everything that's not nailed down. When I'm not eating carbs, I'm sleeping - typical behavior for someone who has unregulated blood sugar levels. Also, even on the lower 100 mg/day dosage, I'd gained 13 pounds over the summer.

On the DS board, they're always talking about being your own healthcare advocate. I would've expected my dr to know better than this after all the sessions we've had during which we talked about my WLS. Add to that the fact that I am STILL obese! My BMI is 31.07, for gawd's sake!

Are my choices to go through life fat and borderline-sane or merely-chubby and crazy?

I am so exhausted from waging a 16-year battle with depression and a lifelong one with obesity that I don't have much left in the way of "fight."