Complete Emotional Exhaustion

This has been the worst weekend in recent memory. Does anyone have any ideas as to why Jack and I fight on the weekends, but rarely any other time?

Leigh and I got into it again. I tried to apologize for a thoughtless remark I'd made. My mistake was that I made my apology in a text message. Apparently a "tone" found its way through the magical airwaves that transmit text messages, and my apology was thrown back into my face.

This morning Jack said he is going to divorce me. I went and curb-looked at a couple of rental houses. (Can't very well get a showing on Easter Sunday.) The house that had informational flyers on the yard sign runs $950/month. I'm assuming that does not include any utilities. So, add to that water/gas/electric/cable/phone/internet/cell bills, plus I presume the boys would wish to eat regularly, and I'm fairly sure that I'll have to continue to fuel and maintain my car since I drive for a living... well, you see the problem. (Not to be too tacky, but the rent alone is half my net monthly salary before child support.)

Since buying a 20k car in December, my income:debt ratio is not so hot. Add to that the credit card bills that seem to grow monthly, including a ridiculously overspent Christmas, and there is no way I could qualify for a home loan large enough to buy a house that would fit four people and all their accompanying stuff. PLUS, as my father has warned me my entire life: if you own a home, you must have a maintenance fund set aside for "little" things like the water heater going out, the ceiling leaking, the basement flooding, ad nauseum. He's right, of course. Unless you buy a brand-new home - which is out of the question for me - you inherit decades of someone else's idea of maintenance. Also, I'd have no money to do a damned thing to it; carpet, paint, etc., if it needed it.

The worst part about all of this is that I have been a complete and total bitch lately. Actually the word "bully" might be more appropos. I don't know what is wrong with me. Shit comes flying out of my mouth seemingly several minutes before any coherent thoughts form in my brain. Then I look at the stricken/hurt/furious face(s) of the person(s) I've just shat on and I feel even worse. So, do I back up and use the problem-solving techniques I've learned from five years of therapy? Hell no. I forge ahead on completely the wrong path (gee, maybe I'm related to George Bush?) no matter how much damage I might cause along the way.

I am not an evil person. I am a nice person with a vengeful, jealous, self-centered, selfish, unkind, generally awful person living inside of me who refuses to obey my eviction notices.

Anyone have any ideas? Anyone? Anything?

Please send us your prayers/thoughts/vibes - whatever you're into. We need all the help we can get.

Comments

[Sharon]

Oh boy honey. My thoughts are with you. I've got no good advice, since I'm already there...but one day at a time, and know that I'm thinking of you.

[sparkly_jules]

Sometimes experiences that are awful or seem bad, in retrospect, are really the best thing for you and saving your life--and you look back in wonder that it took you so long to do it--this could be one of those times.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Jules