The Bipolar Express

Update

Leigh made a decision today that I think might help all of us. Best of all, she made it maturely and rationally. (Anyone who have kids ever have them behave rationally when you can't/won't? It's really humbling. And annoying.)

I digress.

Leigh is moving into her boyfriend's (babydaddy's) mom's house. His mother is a lovely woman; thoughtful, selfless and kind; the kind of person I wish I could be. Craig, Leigh's boyfriend, is her youngest, so she has two empty bedrooms and a lot of time on her hands. And, she adores Leigh. Even now. I believe the woman is a saint.

There was no animosity in this move. Leigh will continue to attend college - for another month - four days per week, then come home to Judy's house from Thursday through Sunday so that Leigh can keep her waitressing job. (She also got a "real job" offer last week! Yea for her!!)

As far as I can tell, there are no hard feelings regarding the move, unless there are some from Jack - we haven't had any constructive conversation today. I'm still waiting, as bedtime approaches, if he is going to make good on his statement that he is going to sleep in Leigh's room for the forseeable future.

Complete Emotional Exhaustion

This has been the worst weekend in recent memory. Does anyone have any ideas as to why Jack and I fight on the weekends, but rarely any other time?

Leigh and I got into it again. I tried to apologize for a thoughtless remark I'd made. My mistake was that I made my apology in a text message. Apparently a "tone" found its way through the magical airwaves that transmit text messages, and my apology was thrown back into my face.

This morning Jack said he is going to divorce me. I went and curb-looked at a couple of rental houses. (Can't very well get a showing on Easter Sunday.) The house that had informational flyers on the yard sign runs $950/month. I'm assuming that does not include any utilities. So, add to that water/gas/electric/cable/phone/internet/cell bills, plus I presume the boys would wish to eat regularly, and I'm fairly sure that I'll have to continue to fuel and maintain my car since I drive for a living... well, you see the problem. (Not to be too tacky, but the rent alone is half my net monthly salary before child support.)

Since buying a 20k car in December, my income:debt ratio is not so hot. Add to that the credit card bills that seem to grow monthly, including a ridiculously overspent Christmas, and there is no way I could qualify for a home loan large enough to buy a house that would fit four people and all their accompanying stuff. PLUS, as my father has warned me my entire life: if you own a home, you must have a maintenance fund set aside for "little" things like the water heater going out, the ceiling leaking, the basement flooding, ad nauseum. He's right, of course. Unless you buy a brand-new home - which is out of the question for me - you inherit decades of someone else's idea of maintenance. Also, I'd have no money to do a damned thing to it; carpet, paint, etc., if it needed it.

The worst part about all of this is that I have been a complete and total bitch lately. Actually the word "bully" might be more appropos. I don't know what is wrong with me. Shit comes flying out of my mouth seemingly several minutes before any coherent thoughts form in my brain. Then I look at the stricken/hurt/furious face(s) of the person(s) I've just shat on and I feel even worse. So, do I back up and use the problem-solving techniques I've learned from five years of therapy? Hell no. I forge ahead on completely the wrong path (gee, maybe I'm related to George Bush?) no matter how much damage I might cause along the way.

I am not an evil person. I am a nice person with a vengeful, jealous, self-centered, selfish, unkind, generally awful person living inside of me who refuses to obey my eviction notices.

Anyone have any ideas? Anyone? Anything?

Please send us your prayers/thoughts/vibes - whatever you're into. We need all the help we can get.

Still here...

Well, for those of you who've wondered if I was still among the living, here I am.

The past few weeks have been insane, PLUS my school district has installed a block so now I can't read or write blogs from work. Sucks.

Our household is returning to some sense of normalcy, although it is by necessity a new "normal." Leigh is experiencing - none too unobtrusively - the wonderful hormone swings that accompany early pregnancy. it's a laugh a minute around here, let me tell you. (NOT!)

She's also developed some bipolar tendencies of her own - whether pregnancy related or psychological really doesn't matter. She wants Daddy and Stepmommy to be there when she needs/wants us, but the rest of the time we can pretty much "fuck off." That's the frequent refrain. Lovely language to blue up the air with around two twelve year olds. (I know they hear it, I'm not that naive, but I'd greatly prefer if they didn't hear it in their own home.)

Leigh is actively seeking employment. She has interviewed for a few jobs that would pay in the 30k range, which I think she could make work, and she hasn't ruled out law school. She's still waiting to hear from the two schools closest to us; one of which is extremely prestigious. (and extremely expensive.)

But yes, there are still other members of the family who deserve some blog time! :-)

Raymond just finished a 6-week stint in the pit orchestra for "Guys and Dolls." The past two weeks he's been at school until 10 pm. and beyond. Thank God Jack is a night owl and volunteered to pick him up. Ray still has to keep up on his homework and although I've reduced them somewhat, he does still have chores at home to do. He's pretty much the walking dead. I think it'll take a week for him to find a normal sleep cycle again.

And he's on the birthday countdown: 30 days from tomorrow, he drives solo. For any readers in Nebraska, I implore you: stay off the sidewalks! He's also planning his annual birthday party which has, for reasons unfathomable to me, become somewhat of a yearly tradition for his friends. They think I'm the "cool Mom." I don't know why. I spend most of the evening telling them they're too loud.

One thing they like is what I do when I'm serving the cake. Before they can have their piece of cake, they have to tell one embarassing thing about Ray from the previous year. Ray pretends to hate it, but he's a drama guy, so he really loves the attention.

Younger brother Andrew thinks he's gay. He's 12 1/2: a little young to know this, but I just go with the flow. Jack said the other day (we have one daughter and three sons) "So, if things continue as they are with Andrew, I'll have three sons-in-law and one daughter-in-law." LOL It's really no big thing around here. So you're gay. You're left-handed and blue-eyed too. Those things don't make you a freak, and neither does being gay. Embrace who you are, know that you always have a sanctuary within your family, and the hell with the rest of the world.

Michael just takes it all in: sister's pregnant, brothers are gay, Mom's a little crazy, Dad's a little grumpy and dinner's usually late. I may not make mother of the year, but in light of the circumstances that surround me at the moment, I think I'm doing pretty damned well.

Here's hoping it's not another three weeks till I post again. I'd really like to up the readership here, and especially those who offer comments, but I know if I don't post consistently, that won't happen.

Happy Monday. (did I mention I'm on spring break?) hee hee hee.

Mel