The Bipolar Express

A (GOOD) downward spiral

Life is interesting around here. No two days are the same, that's for sure. And still, I suck at blogging. I realized this because I forget my password every time. Typepad sends it to me and I slap my forehead because then I remember it. Duh...

Leigh had an ultrasound on Saturday. Her HCG - human something something - pregnancy hormone - was high and they wanted to make sure her due date was accurate AND that there was only one baby in there. As a mother of twins who HAD a husband when they were little, I was terrified and speechless at the idea of her dealing with twins alone while babydaddy finishes college 60 miles away. But, all is well. All the hatchling's parts are where they're supposed to be, although some parts were hidden, so the gender remains a mystery. (I'm hoping for a girl for the purpose of pure revenge in a decade or so. bwahaha.

Jack and I had an awesome weekend. I dressed up - why do guys never dress up - including a new pair of cheap - inexpensive AND sleazy - heels and a blouse that is enough too tight for me that in spite of my breast reduction actually provides cleavage!

We went to a Mexican restaurant and had a jumbo margarita each. I don't know what this place uses for mix, but these are the smoothest margs I've ever had. (They're also 11 bucks apiece, so that won't be a frequent watering hole. Plus, if it tastes that good, the mix must be really sweet.

Speaking of sweet, I've been off sugared soda for 10 days. Giant "yea!" for me. That was a really stubborn monkey on my back for a really long time. I can't say that I actually like diet soda, but if there's no Crystal Light or the like, or if I need some caffeine, it will suffice.

Not coincidentally, I have dropped 8 pounds in that 10-day period. Cool.

I'm having my abdominoplasty scar redone. The surgeon - who shall remain nameless so I don't get busted for libel because he did such a crappy job! - pulled the skin too tight, or didn't suture it right or something, and it stretched. (This is the vertical, upper abdominal scar.) In a couple of places it's over an inch wide.

Aesthetics notwithstanding, it pulls and even hurts sometimes. I have an appointment with my DS surgeon this afternoon to schedule a scar revision with him. Since it's a fairly minor procedure, unless he finds something weird under there, I don't think it'll be a problem to get this scheduled fairly soon. I'm excited - mostly for the aesthetics. Part of the scar is textbook. It is a very fine line, barely lighter than my glaringly white belly. So I know this isn't some bizarre flaw in my skin. It'd be pretty weird to have perfect scars everywhere else on my bod and have this one be disfigured. The guy screwed up: plain and simple.

I dropped my legal assistant internship because I don't know how long I'll be recovering. The guy I was going to intern with is a complete ass anyway, so I'm not shedding any tears over this development. I wasn't going to finish the course work until winter anyway, so putting this off a year isn't a big deal.

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Jack and I did the budget last night. Waaaaaaaaaaay depressing. Enough said there.

So I'm going to put a budget together now. I'm way excited. NOT!

What a way to spend the afternoon, huh?

Still Breathin'

Well, I'm still here. I still have no answers to life's myriad problems, but have continued to put one foot in front of the other for a whole week.

I went back to work last Tuesday. I found out on Wednesday that I missed a Very Important Meeting. (yeah, right) on Tuesday morning, and my ass is probably still in a sling.

None of my students had been told I'd be back, even though I e-mailed all the schools' secretaries, so I basically did nothing all week. My students have a big concert with all the other students from the various geographic areas of our district. The music for this concert has to be checked out from the central music library which is inconveniently located and not open when I need it to be. Further, I was absent when the selections were announced, so most of the music will be gone when I go to get it tomorrow.

I e-mailed my colleagues and explained my predicament. Not only is no one willing to send me a few stinkin' copies of music, no one even responded to the e-mail! Nice, huh?

I'm eating like a premenstrual maniac, and I'm not even close to that week. I had 200 carbs today, and I continue to exhibit compulsive/addictive behavior, not only with food, but with drink as well. Last night I had three cocktails before bed. Then I got up in the middle of the night and had a protein bar, a glass of milk, and a bagel with butter and brown sugar! Good God in heaven, what the hell am I thinking?? I don't know what's at the root of this food orgy, but I have to get a handle on it before there's another set of handles on me!!

The new quarter starts next week - for my paralegal studies. I'm taking Legal Research & Writing II, and Torts. The texts for both classes are the same ones they use at the prestigious law school downtown. Yeah, one's not hard enough. Let's take two!! Moron...

One fun thing: tomorrow I'm having a fancy lunch - I usually have a lean pocket and a quart of water - with the local paralegal association. Chicken parmesan. Yum! (Boy, I am easily amused.)

That's all my ramblings for now. OH! Except for one... I have a friend who lost her job last week. In addition, she recently lost her boyfriend, and her mother is nagging her from 1500 miles away to come home. (I sense that while she's home, she'd spend most of the time getting ragged at for the very things that the rest of the world admires her for!)

Anyway, she posted this info on a board I participate in, and the well-meaning readers wrote post after post about how this is a "new beginning" and she's "so lucky" and she can "go anywhere she wants" because she doesn't "have a husband or children" to weigh her down.

What a bunch of crap! Let's remind her that she's alone, shall we? Let's remind her that she's lost a job she loved and a man she loved in the same week. It's not like if we don't remind her, she won't know. As Billy Crystal once said "why don't you give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it."

I DO NOT understand how otherwise intelligent and reasonably compassionate people could so completely miss the point!

If you're reading, hon, know that you are not alone. And this progression of life events truly sucks. You have no reason to feel bad that you're not "embracing the future" or whatever pile of crap snowballed in that thread.

I wish I could be there with you, get drunk with you, rail at the unfairness of it all. I feel so bad that someone so wonderful has to go through something so terrible by herself.

Sometimes life just really isn't fair, and that's all there is to it.

From Bad to Worse?

Things are bad here. Very bad.
I was going to "flunk" (read - gentlewoman's 'C') my advanced research class, so I dropped it.

I'm still home - unpaid - from my accident.

I have an appointment with my PS to talk about a scar revision for my belly. I have adhesions under the vertical scar because he did such a crappy job, and it hurts/pulls when I move.

Haven't exercised since before the 1/24 car accident. Have gained 7 pounds. Back to 180 again. It makes me cry to type that.

The family situation is horrid. I don't think Jack is ever going to be able to have a steady, loving relationship with my boys, and I positively cannot stand his daughter most days. It hasn't always been this way. But it is seriously time for her to graduate college and get the hell out on her own. She's almost 22 and acts it about 10% of the time. The rest of the time she acts like a irresponsible child with a filthy mouth. Nice combo, let me tell ya.

Example: over the weekend she borrowed R.J.'s car. She brought it back reeking of smoke, and with a nearly-empty tank. R.J. is allergic to cigarette smoke; it gives him migraines. So he can't even drive or ride in his own car. AND it has leather interior, so you know damned well someone was actually smoking in there; it wasn't just the amount of smokiness you get from "bar clothes." That wouldn't sink into leather that fast. I am so pissed.

I am pissed at life. I am teary, fat, in pain, and fear that my marriage and family are about to fall apart completely. I have no RL friends and I can't talk to my Mom about anything important, so I'm all alone.

I'm so tired of thinking that stability and happiness are just around the corner. There is no fucking corner. Just a cruel twist or turn here and there to make me think there's hope.

There isn't. Time I faced that.

My Husband is So Weird!

A little background: my husband, Jack, is a 5'9" muscular guy with a beard and a deep, gruff voice. In other words he looks and sounds crabby even when he's not. As a result of this, I sometimes take offense at things he says, he has no idea why I've taken offense. Since we're both stubborn as hell - he's the oldest of five boys and I'm an only child spoiled brat - we dig in our heels and have ridiculous arguments about the stupidest things you can imagine.

This happend more frequently when we were first married. Perhaps that was because we'd only known each other for four months? :-) but it does still happen occasionally.

That said, he is not a bad guy or I wouldn't be married to him, but he is rather mercurial.

Without warning, he goes from grizzly bear to teddy bear. I firmly believe that the teddy bear is the real thing and the grizzly bear is a big act he puts on when he feels defensive.

Tonight, for example, Michael and Andrew - the twins - had a lot of cleaning to do and were not working very hard. Neither of them feels very well, each having missed two days of school last week - but it's hard to tell where the "not feeling well" ends and the slacking begins.

Since I'm working on homework and it was a movie I didn't want to see, Jack went to see "The Hitcher". On his way out the door he was growling at the boys about not getting their work done.

When he came home, he checked on Michael, who's still sick and sleeping, and is now sitting next to me in front of the fireplace searching through printouts of legal cases looking for information I need for my next research assignment. Boy, doesn't that sound interesting for him?

Men. I don't believe I will ever understand how their minds work. It's a good thing they're so cute. :-)