The Bipolar Express

A (GOOD) downward spiral

Life is interesting around here. No two days are the same, that's for sure. And still, I suck at blogging. I realized this because I forget my password every time. Typepad sends it to me and I slap my forehead because then I remember it. Duh...

Leigh had an ultrasound on Saturday. Her HCG - human something something - pregnancy hormone - was high and they wanted to make sure her due date was accurate AND that there was only one baby in there. As a mother of twins who HAD a husband when they were little, I was terrified and speechless at the idea of her dealing with twins alone while babydaddy finishes college 60 miles away. But, all is well. All the hatchling's parts are where they're supposed to be, although some parts were hidden, so the gender remains a mystery. (I'm hoping for a girl for the purpose of pure revenge in a decade or so. bwahaha.

Jack and I had an awesome weekend. I dressed up - why do guys never dress up - including a new pair of cheap - inexpensive AND sleazy - heels and a blouse that is enough too tight for me that in spite of my breast reduction actually provides cleavage!

We went to a Mexican restaurant and had a jumbo margarita each. I don't know what this place uses for mix, but these are the smoothest margs I've ever had. (They're also 11 bucks apiece, so that won't be a frequent watering hole. Plus, if it tastes that good, the mix must be really sweet.

Speaking of sweet, I've been off sugared soda for 10 days. Giant "yea!" for me. That was a really stubborn monkey on my back for a really long time. I can't say that I actually like diet soda, but if there's no Crystal Light or the like, or if I need some caffeine, it will suffice.

Not coincidentally, I have dropped 8 pounds in that 10-day period. Cool.

I'm having my abdominoplasty scar redone. The surgeon - who shall remain nameless so I don't get busted for libel because he did such a crappy job! - pulled the skin too tight, or didn't suture it right or something, and it stretched. (This is the vertical, upper abdominal scar.) In a couple of places it's over an inch wide.

Aesthetics notwithstanding, it pulls and even hurts sometimes. I have an appointment with my DS surgeon this afternoon to schedule a scar revision with him. Since it's a fairly minor procedure, unless he finds something weird under there, I don't think it'll be a problem to get this scheduled fairly soon. I'm excited - mostly for the aesthetics. Part of the scar is textbook. It is a very fine line, barely lighter than my glaringly white belly. So I know this isn't some bizarre flaw in my skin. It'd be pretty weird to have perfect scars everywhere else on my bod and have this one be disfigured. The guy screwed up: plain and simple.

I dropped my legal assistant internship because I don't know how long I'll be recovering. The guy I was going to intern with is a complete ass anyway, so I'm not shedding any tears over this development. I wasn't going to finish the course work until winter anyway, so putting this off a year isn't a big deal.

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Jack and I did the budget last night. Waaaaaaaaaaay depressing. Enough said there.

So I'm going to put a budget together now. I'm way excited. NOT!

What a way to spend the afternoon, huh?

Holy Size 16's, Batman!

At my visit a month ago, my psychiatrist changed one of my scripts from 100 mg/day to 300 mg per day. Since then, I've noticed a pleasant decrease in my symptoms. But - big but, or gut, in my case - she missed something this time.

Seroquel, an antipsychotic used to treat biplolar disorder as well as schizophrenia, has a couple of interesting side-effects. First of all, it can cause an increase in blood sugar as well as diabetes. It can also cause weight gain. It's not supposed to be prescribed to people with a history of obesity or a family history of diabetes.

Gee, ya think???

I've gained 7 pounds in the month since the dosage increase. I crave carbs like a madwoman, I'm eating everything that's not nailed down. When I'm not eating carbs, I'm sleeping - typical behavior for someone who has unregulated blood sugar levels. Also, even on the lower 100 mg/day dosage, I'd gained 13 pounds over the summer.

On the DS board, they're always talking about being your own healthcare advocate. I would've expected my dr to know better than this after all the sessions we've had during which we talked about my WLS. Add to that the fact that I am STILL obese! My BMI is 31.07, for gawd's sake!

Are my choices to go through life fat and borderline-sane or merely-chubby and crazy?

I am so exhausted from waging a 16-year battle with depression and a lifelong one with obesity that I don't have much left in the way of "fight."

Still Breathin'

Well, I'm still here. I still have no answers to life's myriad problems, but have continued to put one foot in front of the other for a whole week.

I went back to work last Tuesday. I found out on Wednesday that I missed a Very Important Meeting. (yeah, right) on Tuesday morning, and my ass is probably still in a sling.

None of my students had been told I'd be back, even though I e-mailed all the schools' secretaries, so I basically did nothing all week. My students have a big concert with all the other students from the various geographic areas of our district. The music for this concert has to be checked out from the central music library which is inconveniently located and not open when I need it to be. Further, I was absent when the selections were announced, so most of the music will be gone when I go to get it tomorrow.

I e-mailed my colleagues and explained my predicament. Not only is no one willing to send me a few stinkin' copies of music, no one even responded to the e-mail! Nice, huh?

I'm eating like a premenstrual maniac, and I'm not even close to that week. I had 200 carbs today, and I continue to exhibit compulsive/addictive behavior, not only with food, but with drink as well. Last night I had three cocktails before bed. Then I got up in the middle of the night and had a protein bar, a glass of milk, and a bagel with butter and brown sugar! Good God in heaven, what the hell am I thinking?? I don't know what's at the root of this food orgy, but I have to get a handle on it before there's another set of handles on me!!

The new quarter starts next week - for my paralegal studies. I'm taking Legal Research & Writing II, and Torts. The texts for both classes are the same ones they use at the prestigious law school downtown. Yeah, one's not hard enough. Let's take two!! Moron...

One fun thing: tomorrow I'm having a fancy lunch - I usually have a lean pocket and a quart of water - with the local paralegal association. Chicken parmesan. Yum! (Boy, I am easily amused.)

That's all my ramblings for now. OH! Except for one... I have a friend who lost her job last week. In addition, she recently lost her boyfriend, and her mother is nagging her from 1500 miles away to come home. (I sense that while she's home, she'd spend most of the time getting ragged at for the very things that the rest of the world admires her for!)

Anyway, she posted this info on a board I participate in, and the well-meaning readers wrote post after post about how this is a "new beginning" and she's "so lucky" and she can "go anywhere she wants" because she doesn't "have a husband or children" to weigh her down.

What a bunch of crap! Let's remind her that she's alone, shall we? Let's remind her that she's lost a job she loved and a man she loved in the same week. It's not like if we don't remind her, she won't know. As Billy Crystal once said "why don't you give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it."

I DO NOT understand how otherwise intelligent and reasonably compassionate people could so completely miss the point!

If you're reading, hon, know that you are not alone. And this progression of life events truly sucks. You have no reason to feel bad that you're not "embracing the future" or whatever pile of crap snowballed in that thread.

I wish I could be there with you, get drunk with you, rail at the unfairness of it all. I feel so bad that someone so wonderful has to go through something so terrible by herself.

Sometimes life just really isn't fair, and that's all there is to it.

From Bad to Worse?

Things are bad here. Very bad.
I was going to "flunk" (read - gentlewoman's 'C') my advanced research class, so I dropped it.

I'm still home - unpaid - from my accident.

I have an appointment with my PS to talk about a scar revision for my belly. I have adhesions under the vertical scar because he did such a crappy job, and it hurts/pulls when I move.

Haven't exercised since before the 1/24 car accident. Have gained 7 pounds. Back to 180 again. It makes me cry to type that.

The family situation is horrid. I don't think Jack is ever going to be able to have a steady, loving relationship with my boys, and I positively cannot stand his daughter most days. It hasn't always been this way. But it is seriously time for her to graduate college and get the hell out on her own. She's almost 22 and acts it about 10% of the time. The rest of the time she acts like a irresponsible child with a filthy mouth. Nice combo, let me tell ya.

Example: over the weekend she borrowed R.J.'s car. She brought it back reeking of smoke, and with a nearly-empty tank. R.J. is allergic to cigarette smoke; it gives him migraines. So he can't even drive or ride in his own car. AND it has leather interior, so you know damned well someone was actually smoking in there; it wasn't just the amount of smokiness you get from "bar clothes." That wouldn't sink into leather that fast. I am so pissed.

I am pissed at life. I am teary, fat, in pain, and fear that my marriage and family are about to fall apart completely. I have no RL friends and I can't talk to my Mom about anything important, so I'm all alone.

I'm so tired of thinking that stability and happiness are just around the corner. There is no fucking corner. Just a cruel twist or turn here and there to make me think there's hope.

There isn't. Time I faced that.

Bouncing Around

177.2

I either need to stop weighing myself every day, or learn to deal with the fluctuations. One thing that may have contributed is that I had a total carb-craving day yesterday. I don't know what the deal is. I was craving carbs as if I were pre-menstrual, and I'm not even close. Oh well...

The dietician's plan allows for one "free day" per month, and I guess yesterday was it! The bad part about it is that I have to go through carb withdrawal again. I don't really think it's worth it. Maybe I'll have a little treat, like a coctail made with low-carb mix.

That reminds me: in addition to Special K2O, I've found another tasty mix/juice substitute. Minute Maid's lite fruit drinks. They come in limeade, orange/tangerine, and raspberry. They are SO good I had trouble believing they are nearly carb-free.

Starbucks: I had a lite caramel frappucino yesterday. The barista insisted that it is made with Splenda, but the thing was coated with caramel syrup on top. It tastes way too good to be sugar-free. Does anyone know anything about this particular product? I really like it, but if it's full of sugar, it's gotta be off limits.

I'll probably be somewhat silent - for me! - for a couple of days due to the time it's going to take to finish write my research memo. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

And the Surgeon Says...

I had my appointment with my DS surgeon on Monday. He also had me meet with his dietician.

During his examination he palpated my (horrific-looking) vertical abdominoplasty scar and found no hernia. There is one spot near the top of the incision that is very tender to the touch. He thinks that some of the internal stitches popped; either immediately post-op or since the weight gain.

Lacking a hernia, there is no way my insurance will pay for a scar revision. I wouldn't want one now anyway, but would like to have it done when I get back down to my goal weight/range. Jack said we could just pay for it and Flex it; that it shouldn't be a fortune because the dr. would only be dealing with a couple of the outer layers, rather than going all the way down to the abdominal wall.

Dr. Sudan then told me about a "weight management group" run by his dietician. It meets 2-3 times per month. He affectionately calls it the "3-year group" because that is when many people gain what is to them an unacceptable amount of weight. He said that our bodies adjust to the malabsorption and we may absorb a bit more fat than before. He also said that that is a time when the "honeymoon period" is over; many slack on food choices and exercises. (Who? Me???)

Then I met with Shelly, the dietician who weighs about 260 or so. Now Lord knows I'm not going to judge someone by their weight (I would hope!) but someone who's going to lecture me on making good food choices probably shouldl be at a reasonably healthy weight? Am I wrong here?

Anyway, to use her words, "I'm just little Susie sunshine today, huh?" after telling me that I can't have pop any more - not even diet - and that people who are or have been morbidly obese must work harder to lose or maintain a weight loss.

What?? Didn't I have this stupid surgery, have my gut re-routed, spend three weeks in the hospital and another three at home on a feeding tube so that I wouldn't have to diet anymore?

Wrong again, oh wise carb-counter!

It's not forever, of course, any more than it is for a "normal" person. Cut back, exercise more, lose weight, and make good food choices to maintain. It's not like any of this is news to me. It's just depressing.

After that, I got to go to the lab and have five vials of blood drawn. The first gal hit me once in each arm and got nuthin. (Tuesday I looked like a really incompetent junkie.) A guy came in then, hit it on the first try, and filled all the vials in no time at all.

They're doing a CBC, plus thyroid/T4 and iron levels. I bought some "Slow-Fe" iron tablets that are supposed to be less irritating to (what's left of ) my stomach.

I am going to go to the support group. It can't hurt, right? It'll be nice to be with people who are having the same struggles I am. Maybe there will even be folks there who were in the hospital when I was. At one point there were four DS post-ops on the post surgical floor.

I'm continuing to use FitDay for logging my food intake, my exercise, and am also using the diary component to record my "deep thoughts."

I'm down to 176. Thirty - forty pounds to go.

Visit to Dr. Sudan

Well, I've tracked my food intake on Fitday for 8 days now. I'm happy with the numbers, and the proportion of protein:carbs. However, I am still not losing weight. Not even an itty bitty bit. In fact, I am gaining!! This morning I was 181.4 for the fourth day in a row. 180 for a few days before that.

Let me be clear: at 3.5 years post-op, I do not expect to drop a couple hundred calories off my daily intake and have the scale begin that wonderful downward spiral I experienced three years ago.

I did expect some change, though, and am becoming discouraged to the point of depression.

This afternoon I made an appointment to visit my surgeon, Dr. Sudan, next Monday. I want to get his opinion on my gaining 20 pounds within the past 6 months. I don't know what, if anything, he can do. My dream scenario is that he runs a few tests, determines that my common channel has grown to an astonishing length, and that an immediate revision is in order.

It is far more likely, I fear, that he will gently but firmly tell me that I need to get more exercise, etc., etc.

Even so, I didn't realize until writing it: 20 pounds in 6 months! I realize that I was far-from-perfect over the holidays, but I wasn't horrible. 20 pounds in 6 months. Absofrickinlutely mind-boggling.

I feel truly blessed to have such a compassionate person as my surgeon. I've had many surgeries, and with the exception of one obstetrician, I have never met a surgeon who wasn't a complete ass. Honestly, the bedside manner of a porcupine with an abcessed tooth and hemmoroids!

Anyway, cross your fingers (toes, eyes, legs...) for me next Monday that I can find some answers.

Thx

Inspirational Number

I weighed 180 this morning. That, along with 150, 160, and 170, is a number I never thought I'd see again. I am choosing to think of it in terms of being inspirational rather than depressing. My poor habits have caught up with me in a major way, and apparently there's no hiding from it anymore!

My goal weight is 130 - 140. I'm not sure I can maintain 130, but I'm pretty sure I can handle 140. It's still technically overweight, but man, it sounds good right now!!

Fitday

Fitday

Fitday is my weight watchers-type accountability tool. It reminds me of my metronome in college. (metronomes keep a beat – it prevents the musician from cheating by slowing down during the difficult passages. Metronomes never lie I hate them with a visceral passion) :-) Fitday doesn’t lie either.

For those of you who’ve never heard of it, Fitday is an online program that allows you to enter your weight, goal weight, food intake, etc. (For 20 bucks you can download a deluxe version for your computer. That’s the one I use.) It is my best weight loss friend, and my worst enemy. Enter what you’ve eaten and find out how close or far off your daily goals you are. For example, one of my favorite cocktails has over 500 calories. My beloved Coke has 140 calories and 39 grams of sugar. Lately I’ve been slamming back 2-3 of those a day, plus the cocktail before bed. Duh. Let’s jump back on the obesity express!

Anyway, today I was closer to being on track than I have been in some time. My carbs were higher than I’d like – 99 – but everything else was in line.

Also, I’ve discovered a great new product. It’s called Special K20. It’s protein water with 50 calories, 8 carbs, and 5 grams of protein for one pint bottle. Plus it counts as part of my daily water intake.

The only downside is that it’s 1.70 per bottle. I think it’s worth it, though. I generally have two per day. To justify the cost, though, I’ve given up my beloved Starbucks. There’s nothing like starting the day with a venti sugar- free cinnamon dulce latte with whole milk. (Gotta love that fat bypass deal, huh?) But $100/month for designer coffee seemed a bit much.